NAVY HUMOR

Things that will be funny to all of us who served,
and funny to some who didn't.....

Page last updated: 26 July, 2018

Shipmate John Conjura (LCDR, 69-72) related the following in a note printed in the Spring 1993 LitComs:

During the late 1960's the U.S.S. Little Rock (CLG-4) served as flagship of Commander Sixth Fleet in the Mediterranean. Little Rock's crew was proud of their role as flagship of the 40 ships that made up the Sixth Fleet at the time. The flagship and embarqued Sixth Fleet commander were required by official protocol to "show the flag" in the many ports the Little Rock visited around the Med. Of these ports-of-call, none was more meaningful to the United States and British relations than a visit with the British Flag Officer headquartered on the Rock of Gibraltar, which guards the entry to the Mediterranean.

As is customary when entering Gibraltar harbor, the British signal tower on the rock sent a flashing light message inquiry to the Little Rock - "What Ship?". With the famous Gibraltar profile looming ahead, the pride of the Little Rock's signalman was evidenced in the flashing light response to the British signal tower - "What Rock?"

The following was passed on by Mark Lehmann (LT, 66-68). who received it from
Stephen Vercollone (LTJG, 65-67):

"How To Simulate Life In The Navy"

1.  Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and then live in it for 6 months straight.

2.  Run all of the piping and wiring in your house on the outside of the walls.

3.  Pump 10 inches  of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and  paint the basement deck gray.

4.  Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you are hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5.  Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of  your lawnmower.

6.  On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7.  Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

8.  Have your next  door neighbor come over each day at 5AM, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen  Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

9.  Have your mother-in-law write down everything she is going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the backyard at 6AM and read it to you.

10.  Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can  find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured. Contact OA division at  X-3053".

11.  Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if  it's ok for you to leave your house before 3 pm.

12.  Invite 200 of your not-so-close friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home......but you  can't leave until the next day. You have duty.

13.  Shower with  above mentioned friends.

14.  Make your family qualify to operate all  the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher Operator, Blender Technician,  etc.).

15.  Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure  every 15 minutes.

16.  Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours  before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly lighted off.

17.  Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your  driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (" Now Sweepers, Sweepers, man your brooms. Clean sweep down fore and aft. Empty all trash cans over the  fantail.")

18.  Repaint your entire house once a month.

19.  Cook  all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

20.  Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

21.  Have your  neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

22.  Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

23.  Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

24.  Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat  shears.

25.  Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

26.  Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it world travel. 

27.  Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get  promoted.

28.  Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping  on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

29.  Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
30.  When  your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man  their battle stations. ("General Quarters! General Quarters! All hands man your battle stations!")

31.  Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

32.  Post a menu  on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for  dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally  get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

33.  When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level  it off.

34.  In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your  driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour  intervals.

35.  Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks.  Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for weekend liberty. When the end of the 6th week rolls around,  inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need  to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week  before they can leave the house.

36.  In your grim, gray dumpster (refer  to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (cite para. 12) regardless of  gender, suffer through PMS!

37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet.  Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain  about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack!"

38.  Renovate your bathroom.  Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest  level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap  down.

39.  When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly  rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a  supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

40.  Put lube oil in  your humidifier and set it on high.

41.  For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.

42.  Have  the paperboy give you a haircut.

43.  Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

44.  Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbor's car. Ignore his complaints.

45.  Lock wire the lug nuts  on your car.

46.  Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week.  Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.

47.  Get up every  night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

48.  Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night,  jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, then stuff your pant legs into your socks. Run out into the  backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

49.  Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.

50.  Install a  fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books. 

51.  Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and  back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.

52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and  shout "Man overboard, starboard side!".....Then run into the house and sweep  all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not  having the kitchen stowed for sea.

53.  Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in, then hang a paper cup around your neck with  string, and go stand in front of your stove. Say (into the paper cup) to no one in particular, "Stove,  manned and ready".  Stand there for three or four hours, then say again to no  one in particular, "Stove secured". Roll up your headphones and paper cup and  place them in a box.
 



The U.S. NAVY

THEN… 
  

•   If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.


•   Mail took weeks to come to the ship.


•   If you left the ship it was in Blues or Whites, even when
    in your home port.

•   You wore bell bottoms everywhere on the ship.


•   You wore a Dixie cup all day, with every uniform.


•   Say “DAMN” and people knew you were annoyed and
    avoided you.

•   The Ships Office yeoman had a typewriter on his desk
      for doing daily reports.

•   We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to
     remind us of home.

•   Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return
     alive.

•   If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you
     back to the ship so you could sleep it off.   

•   Canteens were made out of steel and you could heat
     coffee or hot Chocolate in them.


•   Our top officers were professional sailors first.
     They commanded respect.

•   They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.

•   If you didn’t act right, they’d put you on extra duty
     until you straightened up.

•   Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the
     risk of their own.

•   You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.

•   You ate in a Mess Hall or Galley. It was free and you
     could have all the food you wanted.

•   If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec Center,
     played pool, smoked, and drank beer.

•   If you wanted a quarter beer and conversation, you
     could go to the Chief’s or Officers’ Club.

•   The Exchange had bargains for sailors who didn’t
     make much money.

•   If an Admiral wanted to make a presentation, he
    scribbled down some notes and a YN spent an hour
    preparing a bunch of charts.

•   We called the enemy things like “Commie Bastards”
     and “Reds” because we didn’t like them.

•   We declared victory when the enemy was dead and
     all his things were broken.

•   A commander would put his butt on the line to protect
     his people.



NOW…


•   If you smoke, you get sent outside and treated like
     a leper, if you’re lucky.

•   If the ship is near land, there’s a mob topside to see
     if their cell phones work.

•   The only time you wear Blues or Whites is for
     ceremonies.

•   Bell Bottoms are gone and 14-year-old girls wear them
     everywhere.

•   It’s not required and you have a choice of different
     hats.

•   Say “DAMN” and you’d better be talking about a
     hydroelectric plant.

•   Everyone has a computer with Internet access and they
     wonder why no work is getting done.

•   We put the real thing in the cockpit.


•   She is on the same ship, praying your condom worked.


•   If you get drunk off duty, they slap you in rehab and
     ruin your career.

•   Canteens are made of plastic, you can’t heat them
     because they’ll melt, and anything inside always tastes
     like plastic.

•   Our top officers are politicians first. They beg not to
     be given a wedgie.

•   They collect our pee and analyze it.

•   If you don’t act right, they start a paper trail that
     follows you forever.

•   Medals are awarded to people who show up for work
     most of the time.

•   You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.

•   You eat in a Dining Facility. Every slice of bread or
     pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.

•   You go to the Community Center and can still play
     pool, maybe.

•   The beer will cost you three dollars and someone is
     watching to see how much you drink.

•   You can get better merchandise and cheaper at
     Wal-Mart.

•   The Admiral has his entire staff spending days
     preparing a PowerPoint presentation.


•   We call the enemy things like “Opposing Forces” and
     “Aggressors or Insurgents” so we won’t offend them.

•   We declare victory when the enemy says he is sorry
     and won’t do it again.

•   A commander will put his people on the line to protect
     his butt.


"Thank God I was in the 'OLD NAVY'.....  And proud of it!"

The above was sent in by shipmate Dan Musmanno (LTJG 73-76)



More Humor

sent in by shipmates and friends of
the World's Greatest Navy....

Received from Devon Diega, ITSN (USS Ronald Reagan CVN-76):

   "When your child asks for a toy, have him / her fill out a request chit and route it up their chain of command."


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